Share Button

By Ollie Richardson

Dear Planet Earth,

We, the Obama administration, are sorry:

  • For arming and funding Al Qaeda in Afghanistan. 1,000,000+ people died in Iraq alone because of the previous administrations mistakes, based on fake reports of anthrax and mobile weapons labs. After a deep and through investigation, we can conclude that it will never happen again;

  • For bombing Libya without any intelligence or approval from all UN Security Council members. We regret the “unintentional” loss of life that occurred as a result of this coup d’etat;

  • For using Camp Bucca and Guantanamo to breed future throat cutters. We realise that raping mothers in front of their sons was a severe failure of policy, and hope that we can learn from these errors;

  • For failing to recognise a convoy of Toyotas heading to Mosul in 2011. Our satellites can spot invisible BUK systems in East Ukraine (via Bellingcat), but not a grouping of the largest terrorist organisation known to man. We will vigorously evaluation our intelligence gathering procedure and ensure in the future that the next time we create and fund jihadists, we will honestly report it to the media;

  • For dropping ammo crates in North Syria “destined for the Kurds”, which were “accidentally” collected by ISIS. Most airdrops do in fact reach their designated target – this occasion was just a misjudgment of the wind;

  • For bombing Syrian soldiers who are fighting the very monster we created. In addition to this, we’re sorry for giving Israel $38bn to spend on Lockheed toys, and for failing to prevent the IDF from bombing the Syrian Army in the Golan Heights. This was a gross intelligence failure by Pentagon. They will be reprimanded;

We deeply regret all losses of life and suffering that was caused as a result of our mistakes. We are sorry. Very sorry. It won’t happen again. Trust us.

P.S. Everything is Russia’s fault.

Yours Sincerely,

The Obama Administration

Share Button

Copyright © 2016. All Rights Reserved.

  • Achilles

    So many lies from the UN webcast.
    ISIL, ISIL , Al-Nusra are all funded by NATO and US.
    Do you really believe that the world believe their lies?
    Russia has been correct from the very start…